How I Spent My Weekend

I wrote this post back in June and for some reason, I forgot all about it.
I can't remember why I forgot.
So here it is, in all its late glory:

I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
The construction crew finally finished the renovation.
Except for the bathroom.
I have no toilet.
Nor sink.
Nor running water.
But the rest of the apartment is done.
Except for the laundry room.
(My apartment is actually in the basement so there's space that I've begrudgingly given up for communal use. What I would've used for my sex toy closet¹ got turned into a laundry room instead. I am disgruntled.)

Anyway, so yeah, my apartment is done.
And my mom, who is the boss of me, said I haaaaaaaaaaaaad to clean it.
Me, being the lazy bones that I am said:

"But it's just gonna get dirty again when the workmen come back to finish the bathroom."

To which, my mom gave me the evil eye.

Have you ever been stared down by a fierce, Asian lady?
It makes you feel like this:

So off I went into the bowels of the house and started cleaning.
Did I mention my apartment is the walk-through basement?
Did I mention that my ceilings are 8' high?
Did I mention that I'm 5'4" tall? On a good day?
Did I mention that the workers left a layer of crud on my walls?
Guess what I was doing all weekend?

Now, let's do a little math:

Did I mention I have no ladders?
Or stools?
I do have chairs but I'm not that smart yet.

So basically, my walls now look like this:

Let me be a little more explicit in what I mean:

It's pretty vexing.


¹Sex? What's that? I don't have sex.
Okay, I really wouldn't have used the space as a sex toy closet.
Probably.
Kidding.
Obviously.
Or not so obviously.^return

How to pick up a girl, Tip #2

Boys, you should wear your pants so low that your buttocks stick out over the waistband of your pants.

So that when you bend over, your moon crack is laid bare for all the world to see.

Because you know, girls love a great ass.

Things that remind me of my childhood

Racing my cart-sitting sister pell-mell down the aisles of Ikea + causing patrons to turn their heads at the ruckus.

Oh wait, that was yesterday.

Here sits the lazy-butt that is my sister.

The flip-flop wearing feet belong to my momz. I'm surprised she didn't yell at us when I barreled down the aisles with my sister. There was one little boy who was watching what we were doing (we're such good models of decorum for the younger generation) and tried to create a human blockade with his body. I brake-pedaled with my sneakered feet in time to miss him and slide across the floor and almost ram my sister into some Ikea products. Good times.

How to pick up a girl, Tip #1

Insert your finger up your nose and pick it really hard while waiting for the train to arrive.

Beause you know, girls like guys who work hard.

So sexy.

New word

Vart.
Like a fart.
Except from your vagina.

No, I did not vart today.
In case you were wondering.
Why I'm talking about varting.